1998-12-05 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE / DELCO CAT TOYS
by Pam
VV = Vince Vaughn - WF = Will Ferrell - R = Randall - OG = the other guy
VV: What’s up kemosabe?
WF: Not much. I make a good cake and the ladies seem to like me.
VV: Yeah, I bet your left hand does too. Am I right?
WF: Not bad, not bad. How’s it hanging?
VV: Not bad. I’m a big time cat toy salesman. I know it.
WF: big time cat toy sales man second only to moi
VV: Hmm. How was your weekend bro?
WF: The ride and reel got a little work out if you know what I mean. Met a little honey named Donna, told her I made 5 figures and quickly took off her panties.
VV: Nice work my man
WF: Now lets talk about the Pet Land deal. You moved 40,000 units of catnip mice. Not bad for a homo.
VV: Yeah well. Hey, how did you do with the Kitty Barn order?
WF: I took out the District Manager, six Long Island Iced Teas later she signed an order for six hundred hun Mr Squeakys. I think I did alright.
R: hey fellas. A new line of toys came in. Quit checking out my ass.
WF: Good one Randall.
VV: Okay, there’s no big changes here. I think I can move all … Wait, wait, wait, wait. What happened to the bell in the ball? You used to have two things in here.
R: Yeah, they went with the one bell instead of two.
WF: What? That’s cat crap! The bell in the ball is my biggest seller. Let me see that, let me see that.
VV: Alright, let’s give it a floor run, see if it plays.
WF: OK, give me some room
VV: give it a floor run, see if it plays
WF: give me some room.
VV: give it a floor run, see if it plays
WF: OK, I can move this product, I can move it. Call the Tabby Hut, tell them I’ve got 50,000 orders coming.
VV: Wait, wait, wait. Randall, is this the new cat dancer here?
R: Yeah, it’s pretty much the same. They flared the cat target, re-coloured the plumage, that’s all.
VV: Let’s give it floor run, see if it plays. Are you with me?
WF: Yes
VV: I don’t know if you’re with me kitty. Come on. What is that? Is it a bird? Is it an insect? C’mon, c’mon, where’s my little kitty? Where’s my little kitty? Come on, you wanna play? Kitty doesn’t want it? Ooh, now kitty wants to play! Now kitty wants to play. Come on, where’s my little lion? Where’s my little lion? Where’s my little lion? Where’s my little lion? Kitty don’t know? There he is! There’s the lion! Get it kitty – pounce, pounce, pounce!
WF: OK, it works for me.
VV: I’m telling you, I’m telling you, those guys over at R&D (?) are crapping gold brother.
WF: Huge gold.
R: Yeah, real nice action on that. I can definitely sell those. You know, I’m going to give --------- mag a call, see if I can get a four page spread on that.
WF: Nice.
OG: Hey guys, welcome to GetScrewedville. They changed this year’s cat scratching post model.
VV: wait, wait, wait – why would they change the lion fun stop (?)
WF: great, I’m going to have to sell my boat.
R: OK take it easy guys. They just changed the carpet colour and gave it an octagon base, that’s all.
VV: Oh yeah, that’s all. That’s all. That’s all it takes to screw up my entire year! I’ve got Don Ferguson and his gay boyfriend down at the Paw Palace screaming at me. Now you deal with that Randall.
WF: Randall?
VV: No, get away from me.
WF: Randall, it escapes me how we have not kicked your ass yet and, you know what, your office banner is weak.
R: Yeah? That’s what your wife said.
WF: What?!
OG: Come on guys, take it easy! Give it a try.
VV: Let’s give it a floor run, see if it plays here but I’ll tell you something right now. If this thing doesn’t cut it, I’m going to wreck you Randall!
WF: Hey Randall, you’re running with the big boys now
VV: Big boys
WF: This isn’t NASA anymore, okay? You’re at Delco Cat Toys and we do not play around! We clean our own asses.
VV: OK, let’s do this, let’s do this.
WF: I’m on.
WF/VV: be strong!
WF: alright, it’s a superior product
VV: Randall, I owe you an apology
R: Oh no, it’s alright guys, I know I’m not playing double ball anymore
OG: Man! I got to tell you fellas, this is one damn good post.
VV: Alright guys, come on let’s hit the batting cages, alright?
WF: Yeah
R: and don’t forget your purse
WF: Hey Randall … nice!
1998-12-05 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE / HITCHCOCK
by Pam
Voice over: Ladies and gentlemen, Vince Vaughn!
Vince Vaughn: It is great to be here in New York City hosting Saturday Night Live, hopefully bringing the funnies nationwide to the kids tonight, we hope.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I’m not mistaken, this is Mr Alfred Hitchcock here.
Alfred Hitchcock: Good evening
VV: Alfred, how did you get here man?
AH: A powerful force pulled me from the netherworld where I was enjoying a glass of tawny port and having a poke at Ingrid Bergman.
VV: I think I have a pretty good idea why you’re here Hitch. Can I call you that? Can I call you Hitch?
AH: No you may not call me Hitch, young man. I’m here for one reason and one reason only. I think Lauryn Hill is wicked awesome.
VV: It’s true, it’s true. She is wicked awesome. I agree with you completely but I thought maybe you were here because you might be a little miffed at me personally.
AH: Why would I be agitated with you?
VV: well you know I’m in that shot by shot remake of Psycho
AH: You’re in a what by who how make of what?!
VV: Yeah, you Gus Van Sant, a director now, he took your film and we just did … I think it turned out great. It’s got Julianne Moore in it, Anne Heche is in it ..
AH: I like Julianne Moore. She did full frontal in Shortcuts. I could never get Grace Kelly to do full frontal. The curse of the bottle blonde.
VV: So, Mr Hitchcock, tell me do you have movies up there in heaven?
AH: Actually, as it turns out, I’m in hell. All we get is VH1 and Showtime.
VV: That’s a drag but you’re not mad at me? I mean, you and me, we’re fine?
AH: My dear good man, I could hardly be bothered. Remake them all if you like. Remake Rope with Woody Harrelson and call it Hemp. Reshoot North by North West with Tony Danza and ??? Who cares? I don’t care if you do Rear Window with Christopher Reeve and Darryl Hannah.
VV: OK, we have a great show. As you know, Lauryn Hill is here tonight.
AH: We’ll begin after this oh-so-important presentation from one of our beloved sponsors.
1998-12-05 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE / JOHN LENNON MEMORIAL
by Sylwia Lepiarz
Vince : John Lennon, John Legend. We miss you man!
Guy: Imagine if you were still alive ,huh?
Vince: It's your birthday, buddy, anniversary of your death, and we're gonna stay here whole night, like we do it every year
Cheri: That's right, John we need you, give us a sign. Can you hear me?
(music starts John Lennon's ghost appear)
John: I don't know the question is ,can you hear me?
Everybody: John!!
Guy: Oh my God, it's really you!
John: I don't know maybe it's you thinking it's me, maybe I am you?
Vince : I can't believe it's John Lennon, you are so wise
John: Or maybe I am stupid?
Cheri: John you have to tell us ,what's heaven like?
John: What isn't it like?
Cheri: I don't know, that's why I've asked
John: I do know that's why I've told
Guy: John, please teach us what you know
Cheri : Yeah
John: You only know what you don't know
Vince: That's so true
Guy: It is
John: It's so true that it's false
Cheri: Oh, ok, yeah, yeah
John: Not ok, no, no
Vince: What are you doing?
John: What am I not doing?
Guy: Come on man ,cut it out
John: Maybe i should cut it in?
Vince: It doesn't even make sense
John: Maybe sense is make even that it doesn't?
Guy: You just re-arranged words in that one
John: Or did the words re-arrange me?
Cheri: Listen, why are you talking like this?
John: I was trying to challenge emotion what is and what is not true. Making you question status quo, you know, that's what the 60s and peace movement were about ,you know?
Vince: Yeah i think i understand
John: Do u or do you over-sit?
Guy: What? Oh, I understand :over-said, I get it ,whatever it's stupid
Vince: we are here because we think your music is amazing
John: I think me music stinks
Cheri: That's not true!
Guy :No
John: Oh, that's false
Vince: Why would you say it?
John: I didn't say, you did
Vince: what?
John: No, who
Vince: Who?
John: Who's on first ,who's on second?
Guy: I am not doing "who's on first "with you
Vince: This is pathetic, let's go to Jerry Garcia memorial
Cheri: yeah. later man
John: sooner, woman
JERRY GARCIA MEMORIAL. LATER THAT NIGHT
Jerry: I don't know man, maybe i am dead and you aren't?
Vince: That's right
Jerry: Yeah man, check this out man, what if I'm dead, and you aren't?
Guy: You know what guys? Let's get out of here
John Lennon: Hey guys, what's up?
Everybody: Oh no
Vince: Where did you come from?
Jerry: Man, where didn't he come from?
Vince; ok
everybody is leaving...
THE END
Pimp
Chat
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald.....Tract Morgan
Pimpin' Kyle.....Tim Meadows
White Chocolate.....Vince Vaughn
Announcer: Live, from the back of a Rolls-Royce limousine parked outside
Club Sugar Shack, at Nelson Ave. and Harlem, it's "Pimp Chat",
starring Bishop Don "Mack" Donald.
[ dissolve to interior, limousine, Bishop Don "Mack" donald sitting
next to Pimpin' Kyle ]
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: That's right. I'm Bishop Don "Mack"
Donald, and you're watching "Pimp Chat"! Because, whether you're
a pimp, a mack, a player, a hustler, a prostitute, a hooker or a ho, the
game remains the same: you must get paid! Now, tonight I'm joined by one
of the most respected playas in the town - Pimpin' Kyle!
Pimpin' Kyle: Hey, Bishop, how you doin', baby?
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Fine, Pimpin' Kyle. Now, exactly how
did you get into pimpin'?
Pimpin' Kyle: Well, you know, after junior high school, I decided to get
a phD.
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: What's that? You got a phD?!
Pimpin' Kyle: Yeah, man - a Pimpin' Hos Degree!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Aw, man! It's not often that a playa
bounce back the way you did! Tell us how you overcome a personal
tragedy.
Pimpin' Kyle: Well, you know, man, in 1984, I was shot in the groin with
a shotgun..
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Dig it!
Pimpin' Kyle: But God spared my life that day, man..
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Hold tight!
Pimpin' Kyle: Gave me another chance to do what he put me on this earth
to do!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: What's that?
Pimpin' Kyle: To pimp!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Mmm!
Electrinoc Voice: Give me the money! Give me the money! Give me the money!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Uh-oh! You know what that means!
It's time for Pimp of Da Month! Now, remember, all of these nominees receive
a set of Lee Press-On Gold Teeth. Pimpin' Kyle, tell us who the first Runner-Up
is!
Pimpin' Kyle: Pimp of Da month, First Runner-Up.. is the Exxon Corporation,
who recently made mobil Oil their bitch!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: That's a good choice! But our Pimp of
Da Month Award goes to Mr. Ghetto-Fabulous himself - the man who turned
pimpin' into politics! President Bill Clinton!
Pimpin' Kyle: And the Prez deserves lots of credit for making Ken Starr
his bitch!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Hey! Dig this here - Pimpin' Kyle, we
got a special guest who covers some prestigious pimp territory! From the
Walgreen's over on Smith and 9th St. to the Gray's Papaya at 114th and Lennox.
Please welcome Mr. White Chocolate!
[ White Chocolate steps into the limosine ]
White Chocolate: Oh, wassup there, "Mack" Donald!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Oh, man! you a playa!
White Chocolate: You got some White Chocolate inside this ride, brotha!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: That's right!
White Chocolate: What's up, Pimpin' Kyle!
Pimpin' Kyle: What's up there, White Chocolate?
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Yeah, dig this here! We knew each other
for many years! But I'll ask you something: is it hard to be a white pimp?
White Chocolate: Aw, hell no, brotha! 'Cuz I got me some mad pimpin' skills!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Dig it!
White Chocolate: I may be Caucasian, but I'm like the John Stockton of this
here gang!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Ha, say what!
White Chocolate: All I do is give some no-looks passes, and just dish off
some hos, brotha!
Pimpin' Kyle: Man, you ain't no pimp - you just a safe haven for some hos!
White Chocolate: Whatchoo talkin' about, punk?! You the Baltic Ave. of this
board, you talkin' to Park Place, baby! I didn't come here so some honky
bill wannabe try to show me no props! Pimps in the front, hos in the back,
and chump in the trunk, brotha!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Hey, hey, hey! Don't playa hate! Do
not playa hate in my caddy! Playas participate!
Pimpin' Kyle: [ to White Chocolate ] Alright, baby, you all right!
White Chocolate: Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about, Kyle!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Now, dig it! Tell us, when did you get
serious about this here gang?!
White Chocolate: Well, when the brotha saw that I was down for real..
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Dig it!
White Chocolate: Then they sorta took me under their wing!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Right!
White Chocolate: You know what I'm talkin' about!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Mmm-hmm.
White Chocolate: So then I got, you know, my skisms under my belt..
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Right.
White Chocolate: How to dress!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Right.
White Chocolate: How to finesse!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Right.
White Chocolate: Then all them bitches wanna come jump on my pimp train!
'Cause I'm the engine, all them hos are the cabooses! I'm always in motion,
baby, just like the ocean! All them hos wanna come and get some of this
White Chocolate! pimpin' love potion, brotha!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Right on, I'm hip. [ turns toward the
window ] Hold on for a minute, fellas, hold up.. hold on. [ rolls down window
] BITCH, you got my MONEY??!! I'm not playin'!! [ pulls back in ] Anyway,
Mr. White Chocolate, supposin' there are some hos out there watchin' tonight,
who want to get on your trizzack!
White Chocolate: Right, right, right..
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: How would they go be able to contact
you?
White Chocolate: Well, Mr. White Chocolates can always be reached at my
baby's mother's house!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Right.
White Chocolate: Or you can call me on my cellular phone. I got my central
phones on. Sometimes I'm hooked up with that cordless phone.
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Dig it.
White Chocolate: I keep my faxes on.
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Right.
White Chocolate: I got my voicemails on.
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Mmm-hmm.
White Chocolate: Or you can reach me on my new interent address - it's..
www.bitchbetterhavemyloot.com!
Bishop Don "Mack" Donald: Ha! White Chocolate, Pimpin' Kyle, I
wish I could chat with you a little bit longer, but this is all the time
we have. Until next week on "Pimp Chat", play on!
White Chocolate: Play on, brotha!
The
Joys of Marriage
Will.....Will Ferrell
Chris.....Jimmy Fallon
Vince.....Vince Vaughn
[ open on exterior, Westlake Bewing Company ]
[ dissolve to interior, three buddies sitting at the bar ]
Chris: Thanks for coming out with me, man. I can't believe this! Five days
from now, I'm gonna be married! I'm freaking out, I don't think I can go
through with it!
Vince: Ah, it's perfectly normal to feel a little nervous, Chris. I did
when I got married.
Will: Same here.
Chris: Listen.. can I ask you guys some marriage questions?
Vince: Shoot.
Will: Yeah, we'll give it to you straight.
Chris: Okay.. because Katie and I are fighting about stupid things
all the time, and.. I don't know.. did you guys fight a lot, before you
guys were married?
Will: I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, Chris - once you get married,
the fighting.. stops!
Chris: Really?
Will: Yep.
Chris: It stops completely?
Will: Mmm-hmm. You never fight about petty things again. No more
screaming about filling up the ice cube trays..
Vince: No more reamings for forgetting to replace the toilet paper roll.
You know.
Chris: I don't get it - why the sudden change? Is it possible?
Vince: I don't know, it's just magic.
Will: Yeah, it's like a fairy tale, Chris. Marriage is just this incredibly,
wonderful state of mind. Maybe it's the idea that you're gonna be with the
same woman until the day you die.. that just frees you up!
Chris: This is just impossible! What, what else happens?
Vince: You lose weight.
Chris: You guys are fatter that me.
Vince: Hey, that's muscle, jerk!
Will: I mean, when you're married, you always want to look your best!
Chris: What about sex?
Vince: Oh, my God, it's constant.
Will: And totally spontaneous - totally. No more date nights.. just pure,
adventuroud expermentation until you.. fall asleep in a.. in a spoon position.
Vince: The sex is so great, that you actually quit watching television -
you throw the tube right out of the room.
Chris: Really??
Vince: Uh-huh.
Will: Yeah. It's all truth. And.. you completely stop masturbating. There's
no reason to any more, you're so in love.
Vince: Yeah, and her breath gets better, too. You don't have to breathe
through your mouth to kiss her any more.
Will: Get ready for long make-out sessions, partner!
Chris: Wow! That would be awesome, man! 'Cause right now Katie's not into
kissing too much.
Will: Hey, watch things change! I'll tell you what's really great
about marriage - you never ever think about old girlfriends again.
Vince: Yeah, you don't feel that urge to call them on the phone just to
hear their voice on the outgoing message any more.
Chris: You still look at other women, though, don't you?
Will: Why?? You have everything you need waking up next to you, day
in and day out! My wife's panties just keep getting bigger and better!
Vince: The other thing is, too, until I got married, I had absolutely
no idea how much fun it was to talk about money.
Chris: Really??
Vince: Mmm-hmm.
Chris: Money? I mean, Katie and I almost got into a fistfight over
joint checking.
Will: You know what they say, Chris: "Marriage eradicates defensiveness."
Vince: And criticism. I mean, once you're married, you don't feel that urge
to criticize your wife's lack of education in front of a group of male friends.
Will: It's true! The beauty of marriage is that you're free from thoughts
like, "God, I just want to run away." Or, "I want to empty
my bank account and just run off, to a small college town, under an assumed
name, and live with a young girl in a cotton sundress."
Vince: And here's the best thing of all - after you're married, you will
not believe how close you grow to your wife's family.
Will: Yeah. It's almost scary how much you look forward to the time you
spend with them. I mean, I can't wait for the holidays! [ loudly
] Hey, I love my wife's mother!
Chris: I hope that happens, because Katie's mom is being such a jerk about
the wedding!
Vince: Ah, forget about it! For some reason, on your wedding day, all your
mother-in-law's horrible traits will just.. [ snaps finger ] ..vanish!
Will: Yeah. The whole day is stress-free. There won't be any weather problems..
the band shows up on time.. and the photographer doesn't forget to get a
shot of you and your grandfather, who dies a week later.
Vince: And you still have the energy to make sweet, beautiful love
to your new wife at the end of the evening, six or eight times!
Will: It's not like you have an all-out brawl about the next day's travel
plans, and you.. fall asleep on the floor in the corner, alone, holding
a champagne bottle and wondering if you married a control freak!
Vince: Marriage is a wonderful dream, Chris. It's a wonderful, wonderful
dream.
Chris: You guys make it sound really cool, man. I'm psyched! I gotta go
to the bathroom, though.
[ Chris exits scene, leaving Will and Vince alone to think about what they've
done ]
Vince: Should we tell him the truth?
Will: Nobody told me - screw him.