Letterman: Our first guest is a talented actor. He's starring in a new film. It's called The Cell. It opens August 18th. Here's Vince Vaughn, ladies and gentleman.

Letterman: Last time you were here people were telling me that after this show - maybe it was right after, maybe it was the next day, I don't know- you went out and hurt yourself, was it badly, was it a bad injury?

Vince: I went to a premiere for a movie I did, uhh, that Joaquin was in with me.

Vince: And there was some people in rock and roll bands. I don't know all the people in the bands, I know Twiggy was there, who's a friend of mine from the Marilyn Manson band, but uhhh...

Vince: From what I could understand from the kids' responses they were happening. These bands were happening. So, uhh, Joaquin thought it would be a good idea for us to go up and do a number and at that point in the night, I thought, "yeah that's a great idea, let's go up and do a number."

Vince: We were a little peeled(? I have no idea!), we were a little peeled up.

Letterman: Alright, now, uh, uh, should I know this? I'm not sure that I do. Are you musical? I mean, and if so, how...

Vince: When I was in Junior High, we had kids that would sing and then we had listeners, and I was always a listener.

Letterman: But somehow on this particular night you thought it would be a good idea...

Vince: I thought it was a good idea. At this point I said, "You know what, we're with the rock-n-rollers, get on stage and make it happen for everybody.

Vince: They were going to play some stuff. We covered, uh Little Sister, Elvis' Little Sister.

Vince: And Joaquin was smart. I think he played the tambourine. I was the singer.

Vince: And if I didn't know them, i'd, you know, Cab Callaway it there while I was messing up. So we went up and we sang. I'm sorry, do you have something to say?

Letterman: I was just going to say, you can probably get away with this if you've got like a happenin' band behind you.

Vince: No. You sound all the worse because they're really good and it just accents, it accents how bad you are.

Vince: In my mind I think "yeah, it's gonna be good" and i'll get up there and not good. But that's not how I hurt myself. So it's over, goodnight. They kind of stop the song halfway through. I wasn't sure why. (laughter) But I felt maybe, you know what I mean? So then of course, i'm like "goodnight New York" making a joke, hahaha, funny kid. TRIP, and fall down on my way off the stage. But of course in front of the rock-n-rollers I just gotta make it like that's part of the night. (makes the "rock on" hand sign) Whatever, man, whatever. (laughter) My legs killin' me, my leg's killin' me. I go back, like the fetal position, I have ice on my leg. And they're my friends, they wouldn't put me through that. "Those aren't my friends, those aren't my friends."

Vince: No, just a bruise. But then I had to call the night short. I made it like I had other things happening, I had a busy schedule. (laughter) But, no.

Letterman: That's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that because there's nothing worse than embarassing yourself and also injuring physically. That's just, uh, you can't deal with both of those things.

Letterman: Very difficult to do it gracefully. And, uhh, subsequently you went to the party at the Playboy mansion, or wast that?

Vince: No that was a different night. (Letterman laughs) Kilborn, Craig Kilborn...

Vince: ...big fan of Craig Kilborn, he invited me. We'd never been to the Playboy mansion. He said, "Well, i'll go. You wanna come with me?" I said, "Sure." But he was invited, I was not invited.

Vince: Yes. So he brings me, he brings me as his guest. And he has a drive on pass and they say, "okay, you're Mr. Kilborn, okay who's your guest?" They say, "You can't bring him into the party." (laughter) He said, "Well, I thought I could bring a guest." If it's a girl, you can bring a guest- you can't bring a guy. So then I humiliate myself by going through my little - Swingers- "you're money"- "you ever see that?" You know. No. Not gonna happen. So we go back, we have to go where the tram parking is and we take a tram back up past the security because the people at the tram knew, knew who I was (laughter) so I got to, so sad. And then we got in the party and it was like Bob Saget and me and Craig Kilborn. (laughter and applause)

Vince: For me, noth- Obviously things go on, that night nothing was going on. I just kind of sat by myself and that was really it. I did see the monkey cage, that was interesting. And they had some flamingos walking around- just kinda hanging out at the party.

Vince: No, he was there. Hef was there tonight and he had his three girlfriends with him.

Vince: The triplets, yeah. I don't judge, that's not my style. You know what I mean? (laughter)

Vince: What happened man? (Vince and Dave laugh) We were so pathetic on ours.

Letterman: Uhh, it all started, we were at a baseball game- we were at Dodger Stadium. Me and a bunch of my comedian buddies were at the ballgame ya know...

Letterman: ...and like in the 5th inning, this beautiful woman runs up to us and she knows one of the guys in the group. And she says....

Letterman: I'm just a boob(?), look at me. I don't know anybody. (Vince laughs) When's the nacho guy coming back? So she knows this one guy, Tom Driesen and she says to him, she says, "I need a ride back to the mansion."

Letterman: Yeah. "I need a ride back to the mansion." And so the next thing I know we live in the middle of the game. And in the car on the way back to the mansion, the story unfolds that there's been some kind of a little tiff between her and her boyfriend.

Letterman: Yeah. That's right, that's right. So that was my little story and I can remember...

Letterman: That's right. No, i'm just part of the transportation committee. (laughter) So we go up to the thing and it's- you know I might as well have been blindfolded. It's like a kidnapping, I don't know where I am. And we let her out at the gate and she goes in.

Letterman: That's how things go for me. Uhh, you're from...I'm from Indiana, you're from Illinois, right next door to the West there.

Vince: Very nice. Very nice, yeah. Lot of "kick the can", little "ghost in the graveyard" and at 14 you're bored.

Vince: Well, uhh early acting jobs...I did, uh let's see, I went down and got an agent. I didn't know what I was doing. So people are actors, are actors, i'm an actor. My first head shots were like me holding a tennis racket, like dressed up as a tennis player. (laughter) And then I'd have like a chef's hat on, like cooking the stew and tasting it. And the photographer's like "you gotta let them know that you can have a lot of different looks happening.

Vince: So I didn't know, I was like, "yeah, sounds good to me." And uh, helping your friends move. Glasses on, on the phone at the table, but you've got a secret. (laughter) So those are my head shots. I started right at the beginning.

Vince: My first job was a Sears Roebuck Industrial Film. For some....almost like an infomercial.

Vince: Not a bad gig. Paid well. And I think it was a universal exercise machine...when that was the rave. And I played the guys, I played the guy who was on the high school basketball team and this machine really helped me with my rebounding skills in the off season. (laughter) Really helps me bang the boards or something, I was finishing the last two-ones, "how's it working?" "whew, it really helps me bang the boards- gives me the strength I need."

Letterman: That's great. So when you're done with that, you're ready to go to Hollywood.

Vince: I thought so, yeah. I had the pictures. I had me on the machine, in the baby tee, in the half tee. yeah.

Letterman: Wow, look out. You're gonna get hurt there if you're not careful.

Vince: Some happenin' ladies. It's true. And it's been fun. I've been tired, i've been flying back and forth from these places and I don't know if you've ever had these, I have these alot actually. But when you sit there and you're kind of tired and you're not sure what's happening and all I can say is God these gals are really clever. They're really funny. And I was just kind of sleepwalking through with the whole thing, not turning the corner. You know, it's like excited to have Vince and then kind of like "he'll cut, he'll cut. I think Vince will cut this episode."

Vince: Uhh, I don't want to give it away. I don't want to give it away, but it's a good script.

Letterman: Now do you get to have sex with the girls in the City? (laughter)

Vince: You know, I just did, I just did a movie with Favreau, who wrote Swingers. Our first movie that we did since Swingers that Favreau wrote. And Sean- Puffy- was actually in the film.

Letterman: In the back of your mind, were ya (turns his head around to look over his shoulder), was it like?

Vince: No, not at all. In fact, he was really gracious. He was really gracious, and especially on our shoot, we would tease back and forth alot. We had alot of fun with him. Good sense of humour.

Letterman: This move is, explain this movie, this is- In the clip she showed to us it's a bizarre looking motion picture.

Vince: It's pretty cool. The special effects- you know kind of bigger explosions and that- but this is very different. It's almost like paintings. It's very interesting. The visuals that this director did are really striking, so that was really the big draw for me in doing the film was his style.

Letterman: But the plot- She plays some sort of parapsychologist, some sort of a medium who is needed as a catalyst to activate a new method of treatment for mental illness.

Vince: They have- kind of, yeah, in a nutshell. (laughter) In a nutshell, In a nutshell, yeah.

Vince: That do it, people who are kind of in a coma or an unconcious state, they can put someone into their reality. Somehow, through the technology.

Letterman: So in this film we really don't know sometimes what reality is, which can be said of life.

Letterman: Vince, let's take a look, tell them what we're going to see here in the clip.

Vince: I think this is, I think, if i'm right, this is the clip where she's going under and i'm trying to figure out what it all means.

Vince: I'm kind of the guy who is chasing the killer. I'm an FBI agent. And i'm a little confused about the dream state stuff.

Letterman: But you're not- you're in her dream, but your not dreaming yourself.

2001-07-13 LATE SHOW

by Angel Kaufman

Dave - Our first guest is a talented actor who stars in a brand new motion picture, it's called 'Made', it opened today in selected cities, I just pray to God your city was selected. Here's the very entertaining, Vince Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show.

Vince - It's good to be back.

Dave - Now, I was talking about the film earlier today. I watched it, I really enjoyed it, it's you and Jon Favreau and...

Vince - Yeah

Dave - Who, who else is in the movie?

Vince - Uh, Peter Falk's in the movie.

Dave - Oh, Peter Falk is great.

Vince - He's a great actor, Sean Combs...

Dave - Oh, that's right, yeah.

Vince - Puff Daddy.

Dave - Now what was that like, working with him?

Vince - Sean was great, you know, he was, uh, knew his lines, he was on time...

Dave - Is he, is he a pretty good actor? He seems like it was alright.

Vince - He did a good job, he did a good job.

Dave - Now was, was I, uh, close to being accurate in my characterization of your portrayal in this film as kind of a guy who just believes for all the world everything's fine, but he just doesn't have a clue.

Vince - Yeah, he's the kind of guy who thinks he's a lot cooler than he is.

Dave - That's right

Vince - He thinks he's a lot, uh, briter than he is, very tough for me to play, Dave. But you know what was disappointing was I like the ping-pong ball bit and I thought that's great and it's funny but I then looked at the ping-pong ball, it's says made in China.

Dave - Really?

Vince - And I thought we can't find some american ping-pong balls to drop...

Dave - How do I know you didn't bring that from outside?

Vince - Let's grab another.

Dave - Let me see this.

Vince - There's, there's 4,000 of them I think that are...

Dave - I don't think the United States makes ping-pong balls anymore.

Vince - Really?

Dave - Well, China and ping-pong, I mean, they go...

Vince - They're very good at it.

Dave - Well, that explains it.

Vince - They're very good at it, alright.

Dave - Please stop making trouble.

Vince - I'm not trying to make trouble, I was just disappointed with the Indiana, with the Indiana...

Dave - I'd like to see where your suit was made.

Vince - But I'm not, but I'm not, but I'm not dropping the suit, Dave, you know, what I mean, from the ceiling and that kind of thing, you know how we do it.

Dave - Oh, you're not dropping the suit, those words are music to my ears, they're dropping the suit, thank God. Now, uh, well tell, tell this is you and Jon Favreau again.

Vince - Yes

Dave - He wrote it, did you write it also with him?

Vince - No, Jon is sort of the generator of it and comes up with the material and I sort of, collaborate with him on the story once it's, uh, been written.

Dave - In similarities to 'Swingers' a little bit don't you think?

Vince - It's different, I mean, it's, it's similarity sort of in the comic dynamic but, but, uh, 'Swingers' is a much more innocent film in sort of about guys trying to get girls phone numbers and that kind of thing, and this movie here, uh, is more about uh, deals with the mob, but you know, me and Favreau don't really know anything about the mob so we figured if, if we were gonna do a movie about it you'd have to be like two losers who really want to be in the mob and not really have then an opportunity, you know, and so we're like, Peter Falk sends us on a mission we don't know what we're doing and, and they won't tell is anything, they don't trust us with anything and then Sean Combs sort of comes and takes us under his wing.

Dave - And even when you're in the middle of it, you're not really certain what it is, are ya?

Vince - Um, we're not certain what exactly is going on, it's a drop and we're supposed to keep our mouth shut, which I'm not very good at.

Dave - Yeah, and, and I don't want to give away the scene but, uh, uh, all throughout the film, uh, you've been cautioned that you're not gonna get to use a gun, because nobody wants you with a gun.

Vince - yes...no...

Dave - Because people, and it seems to make perfect sense like, no, no, no, no, anything but the gun.

Vince - Right.

Dave - And, and then there's the big scene and then it just gets funnier from there, I'm, I'm sorry. How 'bout your Chicago Cubs playing some ball, huh?

Vince - I'm a big fan of the Cubs and I'm scared to dream, you know, I'm happy that things are going well but, uh, I, uh, just waiting, you know, I don't think it'll happen, I don't want to jinx anything but I've just been so, uh, used to and conditioned to the years of like inevitably things not working out, that well, but I've been really happy watching, it's been fun watching this year.

Dave - Have you been to some games?

Vince - I have been to a couple games. They lost the game that I went to, so I felt safe I said those are my Cubs, those are my Cubs.

Dave - Now, are they still leading in their division?

Vince - They are, they're in first place.

Dave - Well, wow.

Vince - I think they're tied for the best record in the national league, although I don't, I don't know what happened.

Dave - And they were, they were represented on the all-star team.

Vince - He got rocked, did you see him? Leiber the pitcher, back to back homers.

Dave - Is that right?

Vince - Yeah, but it doesn't count, it's all for show, you know.

Dave - And, and how, what kind of year is Sammy Sosa having?

Vince - Sammy's doing alright, you know, he's got a good average and he's not having the home run chasing season like he's had in the past, but he's, he's playing well.

Dave - Ok, alright, we'll, uh, do a commercial here and we'll come back with Vince Vaughn everybody.

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Dave - Stay tuned for Elaine Boosler everybody. Did you have a big premiere for the uh, when I say the movie is, is opening in selected citied, what exactly does that mean?

Vince - Well, they're starting small it's kind of hard to come up against the dinosaurs and the gorillas in the middle of the summer with a small kind of character movie, you know, so they start it in, in Los Angeles and New York the first week and it'll move out to Chicago and other cities too, you know, subsequently there's a web site too, that kind of lists stuff a "Made' web site that Jon Favreau put together.

Dave - But don't you think this film will, uh, ultimately do very well?

Vince - I really don't know, honestly. Like when we made 'Swingers' Dave, uh, I was just hoping to get some tape, I didn't even have an agent at the time, you know, so what happened with that movie, we made it for like 250,000 dollars, it was really shocking that that movie was one, bought, and two that people sort of responded to it, you know, and so similar with this film here it's like I really think it's good and I think if people like 'Swingers', I think it's similar in, in it's character and comedy, but as far as it translating and doing a lot of business, I have no idea.

Dave - I think it'll be pretty good. Because people will, uh, know you of course, they know Jon of course and they know your work together in 'Swingers', so I think you're in pretty good shape.

Vince - I hope so, thank you.

Dave - And was there a premiere for it?

Vince - We had a premiere, uh, we had a premiere for it last night at this movie theater and the air-conditioning wasn't working and it was really hot in there so it was hard to sit through it and watch the movie, you know. I thought it was embarrassing 'cause it's like, you know, I'm proud of the movie, it's a really good movie, but it's like they start like an hour late, like, Sean Combs, I love Sean and but he shows up of course last taking pictures, you know, so we kind of start a little late, you know, 'cause he's got some pictures to take and then it's like really hot in, in the theater, so it's like, you know, you're sweating and it's like I don't even care what these kids are saying on the screen we'll have to step outside, but the audience response was nice and that, but...

Dave - Well, don't oversell it, don't oversell it.

Vince - Don't oversell it, I don't, that won't be good. I learned with the suit and the ping-pong balls, I learned with the suit and the ping-pong balls. You said, take your time Vince, take your time. We had a thing with the, uh, Today Show where I was on that and, uh, I was on the Today Show and, uh, this was a couple days ago and some guy was there with an orange sign that says 'Carrie, I love you, will you please marry me?' and flips it over and I figure, you know, if a guy's gonna be standing in the front with an orange sign this girl probably is gonna marry him, you know.

Dave - It's a slam dunk.

Vince - Slam dunk, so when they cut back I make a joke, I say 'Hey, you know, this is weird for me, I'm kind of seeing a girl from New York named Carrie, I won't say dating, who are you calling for? Ha, ha, ha. She says, I'm calling for this guy, Carrie, will you marry me I know it's a little early and, and the lady does not say yes. She says, she doesn't really say no, she just kind of stands there, so this poor guy is crumbling with this sign and melting so I say 'listen, you know, we're having a premiere there will be some ladies at the premiere, maybe you want to come out'.

Dave - That's very thoughtful.

Vince - You know, and get back in the game.

Dave - Very nice of you.

Vince - And, uh, and have a good time, and then I saw him at the premiere and then I got scared for myself, because I said if this guy's with the orange sign and saying I want to marry you and then the lady's not saying yes, you know, who is guy and maybe I let the worst guy possible in the premiere, you know, but everything seemed to be fine.

Dave - That's a very nice story.

Vince - I love that story, let me tell it again, what happened on the Today Show... Back to the suit, back to the suit.

Dave - Now were, were you in some kind of a fight and arrested recently?

Vince - I was, I was in a situation, yeah.

Dave - Now in the movie you, you and Jon played boxers too.

Vince - Yeah, but in the movie it's like, we got people that were so over qualified for us we got the Goosans (I don't know how to spell that) who are like great trainers and stuff to work with us, and so, I kinda wanted to be in shape for the movie 'cause I knew we were playing boxers and stuff, but what happened was is I kinda just started eating cannellonis, I was in New York and I was like my, you know, my character would probably eat a couple cannellonis too and so then as I, at first you think it's cool like DeNiro, people would be like wow, Vince Vaughn kind of gained some weight, he's a real actor, but when you do that like 2 or 3 movies in a row they're like this kid's just fat, this kid's fat and this kid doesn't take care of himself so when we did the boxing sequences they worked out this really, and the point of it going in was that we would like set up like we're good boxers, but quickly deteriorate so you realize that we're not, like people would throw beer on us and they boo us, so we had like a choreographed routine, but after 3 or 4 takes me and Favs were both so damn tired that like he would throw punches where he shouldn't, I would be standing where I shouldn't, we'd start landing and like hitting each other, so it looks good for the film, but we were so tired. I was like, I can't do it, I can't do it.

Dave - Did either of you get hurt?

Vince - We didn't really get hurt, no, our feelings did. Because the Gooses, because the Gooses would be like, alright, ok, that's one way to do it, you know...

Dave - But, but the, the other, the, the fight and all of that, that's done with and everything.

Vince - That's done with, there's a case pending still, uh, uh, obviously with the guy, obviously with the guy, uh, who, uh, uh, had the knife, so there's nothing I can say about it, you know, respectively.

Dave - A guy had a knife?

Vince - Yep.

Dave - Wow, well, I don't, I don't think I even wanna know about this for God's sake.

Vince - Yeah, yeah, it was a bad, it was a really bad thing. The one thing I'll say, you know, everyone is ok thankfully and, uh, I really like the town too of...

Dave - Wilmington.

Vince - Wilmington a really fun town, we really had a really good time down there, you know, it was just one particularly bad incident, one, one person with a bad decision, you know.

Dave - Now, now do you think you did anything to contribute to this or is it just one of those deals where, Oh my God, look what happened here.

Vince - The way that it went down was shocking honestly, you know, and like I said we can't get into details or specifics of it 'cause there's a case pending and I'd rather, you know, obviously have it tried where it belongs and not give any information, you know.

Dave - Well, well, I hope it all works out for you and I hope this stays, I hope it doesn't happen again, you don't want to go through that again.

Vince - No, of course not, of course not.

Dave - You, you want to take a look at a clip of the thing?

Vince - Yeah, lets do it.

Dave - Alright, you know what we're gonna see?

Vince - What?

Dave - Of the movie, a clip of the movie.

Vince - A clip of the movie. I thought we were gonna see the, I thought... I thought, uh, I thought we might have something else dropped that I could pick up and try to be clever and you could smoke me again. So I didn't, I don't know what was happening. I don't mean in a bad way, I appreciate it, I love that humor, I like it, I enjoy it, Oh God, it's so confusing, I get hugged, I get pushed away, I'm not sure what's supposed to happen.

Dave - It's like taking boxing lessons from the Goosans.

Vince - That's right, it's true.

Dave - Uh, ok now Vince, tell 'em what we're gonna see.

Vince - Uh, I think in this particular scene 'as luck would have it', the character's in the most delicious circumstance, I'm really not sure what, what we're showing why don't we...

Dave - Alright, lets roll it and see how close he is.

Vince - Oh, no, this is what's happened, I know what's happening, I know what's happening...

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Peter - All our interactions in the future will be social, if you have any questions, that are work related, you will direct them to Ruiz. He has my complete confidence. Everything you need, or need to know is in those envelopes. Do not open these envelopes until you have left the office.

Vince - I started opening it before I heard the, do you mind if I borrow a piece of tape?

Dave - Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau.

Vince - That was, that was, uh, that was Peter Falk obviously and he was sort of, uh, he was giving us our instructions for our mission.

Dave - It opens up, uh, today and then soon around the country everywhere. Good to see you again Vince.

Vince - Great to see you as always, Dave, pleasure.

Dave - Thank you very much, nice job. Vince Vaughn. We'll be back with Elaine Boosler everybody.

2001-11-08 LATE SHOW

by Angel Kaufman

Dave - Vince Vaughn everybody. We'll be right back.

2003-02-18 THE LATE SHOW

by Michelle Madden

Dave: Our first guest is a funny man and a talented actor, starring in a new film entitled Old School. It opens on Friday. Here’s the always-entertaining Vince Vaughn everybody.

Vince enters to music

Dave: (same time as Vince): Nice job Paul.

Vince: (same time as Dave): (Clapping) How are you Paul? Good to see you guys. How you doing?

Dave: Welcome back to the show.

Vince: Good to be back

Dave: How you doing?

Vince: I’m doing good. Yourself?

Dave: I’m all right. Did you have any trouble because of the storm getting in and out or getting…?

Vince: I did. You know I was supposed to fly in yesterday, but the commercial flights weren’t allowed to fly because the snow was too great. So the studio said, we’re going to put you on a private jet today.

Dave: There you go.

Vince: Which is like uptown problems. Who am I kidding? Actor boy gets to fly on a, on a jet.

Dave: (Laughs)

Vince: But at the same time, I was like, how can the commercial planes not fly. But it’s okay for this thing to fly?

Dave: Yeah.

Vince: Confusing to me. And then I remember “Music Story,” where like the guy flipped a coin, and he lost, but he really won because the thing didn’t work out. I mean that happened a long time ago when, you know, I was like, were you….I mean I wasn’t even born, but I don’t know, you were like running around in short pants chasing the Good Humor truck, or something. It was a long time ago, when that happened.

Dave: (Laughing) I guess so.

Vince: And then I, but it was fine. Like I flew in today, and I am glad to be here. I’m glad to be here.

Dave: Well good.

Vince: And I love that story. I’d love to tell that one again.

Dave: (Laughs) Well, tell it somewhere else.

Vince: Let me tell you what happened. I couldn’t fly the jet.

Dave: I understand.

Vince: Whoa is me. They got me, they got me a private plane.

Dave: Now in, in your own personal life, when you’re not acting, when you’re not, uh, and entertainer, do you do a lot of traveling?

Vince: I like to travel.

Dave: Yeah.

Vince: Uh, quite a bit as you know.

Dave: (Laughs)

Vince: And uh, last time I was here, I told you I was with my friend Rio in New Orleans. I won’t mention the bar again…

Dave: This is the guy. (talking over Vince)

Vince: …because you gave me heat. And I, I understand that you don’t want to plug anybody.

Dave: No he owns the name of the bar called the, uh,

Vince: Matador.

Dave: Matador, that’s right.

Vince: In New Orleans. Thank you. And,

Paul: Rio!

Vince: Rio. That’s right.

Paul: Because the last time you were here, you had, talking about a guy named Zane.

Vince: Zane was a whole other bit, Paul.

Paul: Oh.

Vince: But, but, but, but, Rio’s a different guy.

Paul: (Unintelligible)

Dave: (to Paul) Whoa! What are you, like the court recorder?? How do you know this stuff??

Paul: Remember he just said, it’s good to do like when you are picking up chicks. It’s good to have afriend to (unintelligible), Zane!

Vince: That’s right. In the story I said, you were on the phone…

Paul: Now he’s got Rio!

Vince: I said, when you’re leaving….Rio’s a real guy. Zane’s made up, like Zane Grey, the writer.

Paul: Oh, I see.

Vince: I said when you are on the phone, and you’re leaving a message, you go, you want to make it like you’re, like you’re , like there’s a guy you know that’s cool, and you are kind of in charge of him. You’re like, (speaking into imaginary phone) “Hey listen, I don’t know what I’m doing tonight, but, oh, hold, (speaking away from imaginary phone). Hey what are you doing man? Yeah, you can take the keys to the car. Take them.

Dave: (trying to get Vince’s attention back) Vince?

Vince: But just fill it back, Zane!

Dave: Vince?

Vince: (to Paul) You call the name Zane.

Paul: Yeah.

Vince: Paul inter, Paul interjected. I don’t know how the show works.

Dave: All right.

Vince: I thought we were all included.

Dave: You don’t know how the show works. (laughs)

Vince: I thought you like to riff with Paul.

Dave: All right. Now let’s

Vince: I’m sorry. Should I, should I come out again? I don’t know.

Dave: So (Laughs)

Vince: (to Paul). Yes, his name was Zane, Paul. Thank you.Dave: (speaking at the same time as Vince) You can come out with the Mayor. Uh..

Vince: So me and Rio, yeah! Me and Rio. I was ...

Dave: You go on a trip.

Vince: I was shooting a movie in England, and Rio came over to visit me. And we went to Ireland. And there was like a 16^th century Church that I wanted to go into. And they wanted a $5 donation to go into the church. And a lot of the churches didn’t ask for a donation. But they said they’re not sponsored by the government. They rely on this kind of stuff.

Dave: Uh-huh.

Vince: And Rio wouldn’t have it. He said, I’m not falling for that tourist trap.

Dave: (Laughing)

Vince: He says, I’m not going to go for that. I said, it’s a 16^th century church. It’s not a tourist trap. He’s like, I’m not gong for that tourist trap. Wait, wait. Rio’s idea of a good time was to go to the Guinness factory.

Dave: Ah!

Vince: And the, and the Jameson’s factory. That’s not a tourist trap. That’s like 7 stories (floors) of how they brew their liquor. Do you know what I mean? You buy, like a, T-shirt, and Guinness is good when you’re pregnant. It’s all propaganda. It’s bizarre.

Dave: (laughs)

Vince: So you get to the top, and you finally get a Guinness. That’s great. And everyone, there’s a buzz going around, “Boy, this is the best Guinness. I’ve never tasted it so good!” It tastes like all the other Guinness that you have. I don’t know. And then you go to the Jamison factory, and they’re like, “do we have volunteers to do, uh, uh, a whiskey tasting?” And old Reeg’s hand goes up. Rio’s hand goes.

Dave: (laughing)

Vince: And it’s supposed to be like a wine thing, where you’re supposed to sip. Well, he downs these things.

Dave: Yeah.

Vince: And then he’s like the, the relative that doesn’t order, but I’ll just have a bite off this plate, and this plate. He’s like, “I don’t, oh, you’re not going to finish? I don’t know if I like that one.” (pretends to down a drink). And here, and he’s drinking all this stuff. And then at the end of it, they give him a certificate. He’s bombed. He’s bombed.

Dave: (laughs)

Vince: He’s all hopped up on the Jameson’s.

Dave: Yeah.

Vince: And they give him uh, they give him a certificate saying he’s an official whiskey taster. The church is a bad idea, but this, this make’s a lot of sense for Reeg.

Dave: Sure, that’s just fine.

Vince: I can’t figure it out.

Dave: (laughs). But you had a nice trip.

Vince: I had a nice trip. And then, and then, um, when we went to England, you know the palace, they’ve got the guards, and they do their routine. Who are they kidding? You know what I mean? Like, they don’t move or whatever. I don’t know. And next door there’s the queen’s collection, which is a museum. But they’ve got a gift shop downstairs where she’s hawking stuff, the queen. Like you see a painting, you like it, you buy a post card. You know what I mean? Under the table, I don’t know how it works. But, I don’t know where the stuff is made. But whatever, it’s all happening. So I go, and I am chewing gum because I’m a smoker. I don’t want to get…and the guard looks at me like I peed in the pool.

Dave: Oh.

Vince: He’s like, he’s like, you can’t chew gum in here, sir.

Dave: Right.

Vince: And I’m like, Like I’m going to take it, and put it on one of the classics. I’m like fine. But now, I say to the lady, I say, look, I don’t have a lot of time in here. And I understand you don’t have the “Mona Lisa.” That’s in France, but where’s the stuff like that? The must-sees. The things I got to tell people that I saw.

Dave: The must-sees (talking over Vince).

Vince: You know what I mean? Who are we kidding? I don’t really…you know what I mean?

Dave: No, I understand.

Vince: I’ve got to get through it. So they circle the, in big letters, ask for number 45 in room 60, whatever. So I go through, I am looking at the paintings. I look for like, you know, 20 seconds or whatever. And one of the guards goes, “Boy the dumb, look at those Americans, only look at the paintings for 20 seconds. Dumb Americans don’t even know what they’re looking at.

Dave: Hmmm.

Vince: And I am like, wow! Really? So I go, I go, I’m sorry. I go, excuse me. He goes “oh no, no, I was just talking to my friend about whatever.” I said, oh yeah, yeah. I said, I’m just curious, how much of the queen’s collection here was helped, preserved and protected, by The Marshall Plan? Just out of curiosity. I go, you know what The Marshall Plan, that’s when the dumb Americans gave you 50 billion dollars after World War II to help rebuild Europe and that kind of stuff. You know?

(Audience cheers)

And he goes, and he goes, he goes, I’m well aware of The Marshall Plan. He goes, but none of this stuff went to, to, to, none of the, you know, 50 billion went to, to protecting the stuff. And I said, well that’s a lot of bread, kid. How do you know? I said, maybe there was one special painting that was put in storage. I don’t know. Do some research. It won’t take me long to get through the museum, you know what I mean?

Dave: (laughs), yeah.

Vince: Dumb guy’s going to bounce around. When I come back, maybe you’ll have an answer for me. When I got back, he wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

Dave: Well, good for you. And is any…

Vince: (same time as Dave) I love that story. I’m going to tell that story again.Dave: (same time as Vince) any wonder why the rest of the world hates us

Dave: Yeah, yeah, that’s fine.

Vince: Guy named Zane, Paul. I’m going to do a phone call bit. I really love what’s going on here.

Dave: I want to talk about the uh, the movie Old School. Now, it’s about guys who start their own fraternity. Did you ever have that experience when you were a kid?

Vince: I didn’t go to college. Uh, I went to a school called life, Dave.

Dave: Ah.

Vince: Our school colors were black and blue.

Dave: I see. (laughs)

Vince: No, uh, I went to uh, I grew up in Illinois, and there was a community college called CLC, College of Lake County. We called it College of Last Chance. And I went there for two weeks, and that, I had enough. I wasn’t good in High School, horrible student. So then when I moved to Santa Monica, my parents were like, you should really, I moved to Los Angeles, they’re like, you should enroll in a college, because if it doesn’t work out, you want something to fall back on.

Dave: Yes.

Vince: So I signed up for Santa Monica Junior College. And I had an agent. I got an agent right away, and Pink’s hot dogs, it was right next to Pink’s hot dogs. It was like, it was fine was what it was. But it was right upstairs, you know, on the building. And their big claim to fame was, they had the girl from “Small Wonder.” Remember the robot from “Small Wonder,” the girl? Well that was the headliner at this joint. So when she would come in, you’d be there to talk and how you want to go out for commercials, and when she would come in, everything would shut down. And you’d have to wait, like in the waiting room for 20 minutes while they came up with their game plan for ’92 for how the robot thing was going to snowball on to bigger things.

Dave: (laughs)

Vince: And so that was my agent. But they got me an audition for “Who’s the Boss,” 5 lines on “Who’s the Boss.” And I had a quiz the same day. I didn’t go take the quiz. I went to the “Who’s the Boss” audition. I didn’t get it, but I never went back to college afterwards. But I got a private jet to come today.

Dave: Yes, absolutely. And you know what The Marshall Plan is.

Vince: Yeah.

Dave: So who’s the dumb guy? Let’s, uh. I love this, uh, movie.

Vince: Aw, thanks.

Dave: This is very funny. You’re very funny in it, and Will Ferrell is very funny in it.

Vince: Luke Wilson’s great in it.

Dave: Yeah, yeah, But it’s a terrific, uh, film. Uh, let’s look at a clip here.

Vince: Great.

Dave: Vince, what are we going to see?

Vince: I think we are going to see some funnies. I, I have no idea. I just got in from, from LA.

Dave: That’s right, all right. So, it’s going to be you in the movie.

Vince: Yes.

Dave: All right, this is a little bit of what you’ll see when you see the movie.

Vince: It’s a taste. (same time as Dave) Just a little.

Dave: (same time as Vince) All right.

(clip from Old School shows)

Dave: There you go. We can guarantee that! It’s Old School. It opens on Friday. Nice movie.

Vince: All right, thanks, man. I appreciate it. It’s always good to see you Dave.

Dave: Vince Vaughn, everybody.

Vince: Thank you.

Transcript by Lacky, July 04

2004-06-17 The Late Show

Audience actions/reactions appear in italics and bold, David/Vince actions appear in bold.

L= David Letterman

V= Vince Vaughn

David Letterman: Our first guest stars in a new film, entitled Dodgeball: A true Underdog Story, it opens tomorrow, here’s the very funny Vince Vaughn ladies and gentlemen.

Cheers/applaud

L: Welcome to the show!

Vince Vaughn: Good to be here.

L: You know the interesting thing, the great thing about your career, you can play parts that are serious and deeply dramatic and edgy and just downright scary. And also it turns out you’re tremendously funny. So you can pretty much do everything in film.

V: Thank you very much.

L: Now which of those do you prefer?

V: I’ve been having a lot of fun doing the “funny” stuff lately, it’s been a good time doing the comedy.

L: Is it harder or easier to do “funny” things?

V: Well “funny” you kinda know how it’s going right away, you know it’s easier in that way. But sometimes it can be harder to get to – laughs- yeh.

L: So anyway, how are things with you, everything good?

V: Everything’s all right. I’m a little uncomfortable, there was an article that came out in the newspaper, that’s called the News Sun I believe, it serves Lake County, that’s where I’m from, Lake County, Illinois. And it’s something I refer to as “Spanish Gate,” it deals with an uncomfortable situation with a teacher, and I brought the article with me pulls letter out of pocket.

L: Now is this your home town paper?

V: This is a home town paper, more or less, yes.

L: And it’s a recent edition?

V: It’s very recent. They kind of promote the Dodgeball film, then they start to ask some of the teachers about me when I was in school – laughs – and I got my feelings hurt.

L: Boy.

V: I was senior class president, Dave, I don’t know if a lot of people know that. My parents were very proud about that, except when they saw my grades they got nervous that I would be the first one to have to run for two terms of office. Laughs Now there’s a lot of things said but I’m gonna focus on one teacher, Mrs. Lavinskie.

L: So she was your teacher, she was quoted in the article?

V: She’s quoted in the article, she’s not completely wrong, I have to say, she’s not completely wrong. But it’s been 16 years guys.

L: Let it go, right?

Laughs

V: Let’s hope we can do that tonight, let’s hope we can do that tonight. Let’s start with some of Mrs. Lavinskie, what she says. She says “When he was a senior, even he’ll tell you Vince’s priority was anything but academics.” Very true. Laughs That’s very true. She said “The first time I saw Swingers I had no idea he was in it. I was watching it thinking ‘Boy that kid looks like an older version of Vince Vaughn.’” Lavinskie says this. Laughs “When he was here, he was so real thin, he was disgustingly thin.”

L: Laughs Oh my!

V: Now she’s not the only one to say that, another teacher kindly chimes in and says “‘Lanky’ is a kinder way to put it, but he was skinny. His pants were always falling down around his waste.”

Laughs

V: Now, the “falling down” the writer takes a nice artistic liberty and uses the “falling down” as a reference here to start what I like to refer to as “Spanish Gate.”

L: MMM, trouble.

V: reading article According to Lavinksie, Vaughn was also falling down on his job when it came to turning in a rather critical Spanish assignment. She knows that he loved to make videos for the class, but failed to complete so many written assignments that she had to offer him a “make or break” project, late in the school year. “Now we didn’t get a lot done that year because Vince and his friends were cut-ups in the class.” [-Lavinskie]

stops reading article But I was always confused by Mrs. Lavinskie because she was the kinda teacher that kinda wanted to be friends with the kids, so one day she joked and you’re like ‘this is great, we’re joking in class.’ Now the next day you’d go ‘I’m gonna do some more joking in class.’ And then you’d get forty “minos puntos” – “manos puntos,” which is minus points. See? My Spanish still isn’t good.

Laughs

V: And so, the minus points added up and really hurt me when it came to the final grade. I’m gonna get right to this, this is the great pay-off, thanks for sticking with me.

Laughs/applaud

V: reads from article But she says, this is Lavinskie again talking, “I told him, ‘You have to do this assignment, or I will have to fail you’ And he said ‘Don’t worry, I will get it to you.’ Vince was a charmer, he thought he could smile his way through everything. stops reading Obviously I could not, Spanish Gate happens.

Laughs

V: As the semester wore down, and Vaughn busy rehearsing for a chorus line, Lavinskie said she-

L: I’m sorry

V: A “chorus line” was a play.

L: Of course.

V: Lake Forrest, as you know, is like where the John Hugh films were shot.

Laughs

V: For some reason we found ourselves doing a chorus line.

Laughs

V: It’d be like if Maryburry put on The Godfather.

Laughs/Applaud

V: But we did what we could, and I love my home town. Now okay, Lavinskie said that she offered me a final deadline, she hunted me down and said ‘I have to have that paper.’ And I said ‘Mrs. Lavinskie, I’m in the middle of rehearsal right now, can I get it to you tomorrow.’ Well he never gave it to me, so I had to fail him. And he was so angry, he never spoke to me again.” Now I wanna put this behind me! I wanna put this behind Mrs. Lavinskie. If she’s out there, Mrs. Lavinskie, let’s let this go, as a team.

Laughs

L: Together, let go of it.

V: Let’s start the healing process.

L: Begin.

V: Now as a gesture on my end, I’m gonna complete the Spanish paper.

L: WOW!

V: I’m not looking for a grade, although, whatever, if you think it’d be a step forward that’s nice if you wanna go back and change some history books. And I promise you I’m gonna get the paper to you tomorrow, or the next day, I just can’t do it right now because I’m taping Late Night. The Late Show.

Cheers/Applaud/Laughs

V: Very serious, very serious.

L: I’m glad we cleared that up.

V: I’m really glad we cleared that up.

L: Got that off our chest. We’ll be right back here with Vince Vaughn everybody.

Commercial

V: Thank you very much, and welcome back. Vince Vaughn is here, Margret Chow. I find this interesting, and a little bit surprising, but you visited the White House and met the president

V: I did, yes.

L: Now how did this come about, were you invited to go there?

V: I had someone call and say can I go to the White House, I wanted to see the White House. I was shooting in Washington DC recently, and when I was there it just so happened that the president was arriving in what they like to call Marine One, which is a big chopper. [helicopter]

L: The big helicopter when he lands on the White House lawn?

V: I hope I’m not giving away secrets but, that’s exactly right.

Laughs

V: So if you wanna crash Marine One, who doesn’t wanna crash Marine One?

L: Let me interrupt you –

V: Yes?

L: And go back for a second. You made a call and said “Can I come over and see the White House?” Now can all Americans do that?

V: I don’t- I think that there’s nothing to prevent any American from doing that. Um, I don’t know, I’m not in charge of who will get in and who wont won’t get in.

L: I see.

Laughs

V: But I was fortunate enough that I was able to attend.

L: Clearly you were given special treatment, though.

V: Dave I don’t know what you’re getting at.

L: It’s just that I’ve never had this happen.

V: Did you ever call and ask to go to the White House.

L: No no, we were at the White House once on a tour.

V: A tour?!

Laughs

L: Just the tour that everybody else was on.

V: Oh okay!

L: Yeh, I didn’t get like a brunch or anything with the guy.

V: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t get a brunch either!

L: Yeh but you get to see him flying in on Marine One.

V: It was very impressive on Marine One, yes. So I went there and I got to see the Oval Office, and I got to see the Cabinet Room. It’s all a little smaller than what you imagine, from seeing it on television. And then obviously I got to go to the crashing of Marine One, and he came off the plane and I got to meet him. I mean we only talked for about 60 seconds.

L: You got to MEET the president?!

V: Yes.

L: He got right off the helicopter-

V: It wasn’t like he come off and was like “Hey Vince!” you know, and came running over to me. I had a secret service guy go “Mr. Vaughn would you like to step into the White House for a minute?” Now my taxes have been iffy, so at first I don’t know, but at first I was a little nervous, cause I don’t know what that was about. But then I put it together and I realized I was going to shake hands.

L: That’s remarkable!

V: It was remarkable.

L: So the secret service guy takes you in-

V: Takes me inside. Now I’m with some people who are working on the movie with me, one of them is a publicist. So he takes that opportunity to flag the president down as he’s going through the lines and say “We’re here with Vince Vaughn, I’m the publicist of the film, nice to meet you, this is one of the producers of the film ,etc etc.” Well one of the producers of the film is a very nice kid, he’s about my age, his name’s Andrew Penne, he’s a Greek kid, I call him The Greek. And The Greek has an interesting sense of fashion, he wears jeans that are like jeans but they’re also like white in the middle. He’s good with the Von Dutch stuff, I don’t know if you know what the kids are into, but he’s very fashionable. He’s a little old to be going through a crisis, this is a statement, this is what he does. He wears the tight shirts with the “X” on it, I don’t understand it. But I tease him constantly, I tease him constantly about how he dresses, but when George Bush met him, George said “You might be the best dressed man at the White House. Summer come early.” And I thought that was a funny line, “Summer come early.” I love that line, and I’m gonna say it again. He said to him-

Laughs

V: Mrs. Lavinskie you were right! I’m sorry!

L: Now, in your little interchange with the president, how did you find the man?

V: I found him to be very nice, it was an honour to meet the president, yeh I found him to be very very nice.

L: Wow, good for you, quite an experience.

V: Yeh.

L: For a guy who failed Spanish.

V: That’s right. Laughs

Laughs

L: Now let’s show the folks a clip of Dodgeball, and we talked to Ben Stiller about this. This is, I thought, an odd topic for a film, but it worked out very nice for you, very entertaining movie. And it opens tomorrow. Do you know the clip we’re going to see Vince?

V: This is like a kind of “whose on first” type of rivet. It’s me and Ben in sort of a battle of the wits, I guess you could say.

L: Now you’re the good health club owner?

V: I own a gym but no one really works out there, we just kind of hang out. But Ben owns the gym across the street and they take it REAL serious.

L: Right. He’s the evil guy, you’re the good guy.

V: As fate may have us, yes.

L: Oh and you end up in a big Dodgeball-

V: We settle our score with Dodgeball.

Shows clip

Laughs/Applaud

L: Touche’ indeed. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. Vince Vaughn shakes hands

V: Nice to see you, thanks.